Outpourings of a mad (wo)man

IMG_7590I very rarely open up about myself outside of the protection of my nearest and dearest, but sometimes outpouring is cathartic and I need that right now.

It has become glaringly obvious that you can’t miss what you’ve never had and you can’t empathise with something you’ve never experienced. My disability is a gift OR a curse depending on which day you ask me about it – IF you ever ask me about it because, really, who does that? If I had a birth defect or a false limb, would that make it easier for you because it is physical, a constant, something unrelatable, but more black and white for you than the inside of someone’s mind? Could you empathise more?

Empathy – what a word! Something I no longer ask for and something I’m quite unsure of the meaning of anymore. How stupid for me to have screamed for it in the dark box that I sometimes stand in…..alone. Noone hears and, if they do, they can’t help. They can’t empathise, even if they want to.

On days like today I’m a rambling whirlwind of emotion with no start or end point. I’m like a kite whose string has been released. I’ll play the part I’m supposed to, of course. I’m brilliant at this – career woman, daughter, girlfriend, sister, friend, scapegoat…..Society asks me to be all of these things, but demands that I definitely DON’T act like the lunatic that I genuinely feel on the inside. Obviously I know I’m not a lunatic and that’s just a turn of phrase I’m using for today.

I’m many things – some of them wonderful, others not so. Today I’m complicated, cutting and catastrophising over everything. I’m an unwelcome house guest at a party of my own hosting. I’m alone, but that isn’t scary anymore. I’ve become accustomed to myself and sometimes being alone is easier than trying to explain myself and inevitably going round in circles with no clarity for the unlucky listener. I have my good days and my bad (the latter being more frequent at the moment due to large life changes – see….I get it!)

The one thing I’m sure of today, if nothing else, is that this vessel I call my body will weather this storm like the battleship it has fought so hard to be and I will have my victory again.